


How to Bag a Man in 7 Days (As Told By Jean-Jacques Leroy)

by pointyredboy



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Pliroy Week 2017, Slow Burn, pretty sure this is the wrong day for University but uh, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10071773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pointyredboy/pseuds/pointyredboy
Summary: There was an awkward silence as Yuri slowly filled with dread, fearing what JJ was suggesting. “No,” He said quietly. “No. This isn’t going to be one of those situations where we pretend to be dating, is it?”JJ beamed. “This is EXACTLY one of those situations!"





	

**Author's Note:**

> working titles of this were "this looks like otayuri but it's not I swear" and "the self-indulgent fake dating satire that absolutely no one asked for"
> 
> some notes:  
> this is all just going to take place at an American university because quite honestly I attend an American university and it's what I have the best knowledge of. feel free to assume everyone grew up American with their own respective races and ethnicities still intact.  
> aaand we'll say they're all about university age
> 
> enjoy!

Day 0

Yuri was a few weeks into his senior year of college, and there was a few things he had learned by now.  
  
Number one: 8 am classes are a death sentence. Number two: Never go to a party alone. You will likely find yourself vomiting in a shitty apartment bathroom with no one to hold back your hair.  
Number three: Otabek Altin was the most attractive man he had ever met.  
  
Yuri sighed and propped an arm on the edge of the rink, watching the man’s carefully calculated movements as he glided across the ice. The two had been best friends for years; they’d connected almost immediately in your basic freshman math class. Many found Otabek stoic and standoffish, but to Yuri that just meant he chose his friends carefully. There was an intimacy in the way he spoke to a person when he felt comfortable around them, and Yuri was lucky enough to be one of them. Yuri couldn’t help but fall in love.  
  
Yuri hadn’t told Otabek any of this. Their friendship was so strong as it was, so pure and untainted. He didn’t want to ruin that. He couldn’t. He watched the man land a perfect jump and quietly celebrate, a grin spread across his face. Yuri involuntarily mirrored the expression. He yelled to his friend in commendation.  
  
“Oh, I wasn’t aware this area was reserved for Altin’s fan section.”  
  
Yuri’s grin morphed into a scowl as he turned to look at Jean-Jacques Leroy behind him, holding a pair of skates. “Actually, this is an idiot-free section, so if you’d kindly,” He made a motion with his hand for the man to move it along.  
  
JJ sat down on a bench and started to put on his skates. “I know he’s great eye candy, but you’re never going to penetrate that thick skull of his just by staring at him. Or penetrate him period, for that matter.”  
  
Yuri played off JJ’s suggestive commentary smoothly. “Sorry, I can’t hear you. You’re talking out of your ass, again.” Idiot perhaps, but damn if this idiot wasn’t dangerously perceptive.  
  
“You need to tell him, Yuri. Before you miss your chance.”  
  
Yuri didn’t respond. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about graduation, where he might go. Where Otabek might go. What his life would be like if he didn’t see or talk to his best friend every day. If he found someone else…  
  
It was actually something he actively tried not to think about.  
  
“Goodbye, JJ.” Yuri threw his skates over his shoulder and stalked away. He made eye contact with Otabek, who smiled at him, and gave a small wave before leaving the campus ice rink.  
  
\--  
  
Yuri had elected to create an additional subsection to his previously mentioned number one rule. It was now to read, “8 am classes are a death sentence. 8 am classes with JJ are the deepest level of hell.”  
  
JJ slid in the desk beside Yuri just as the professor had begun the lesson, leaving him no time to escape and find another seat. He showed up just barely on time with Tim Hortons, in true JJ fashion. He offered his drink to Yuri. “Morning! Coffee?”  
  
Yuri responded as he did most days, which included trying his darndest to pretend the man did not exist. Usually JJ gave up after the first absence of a greeting, but today he was persistent.  
  
“Listen, I was up all night thinking about your crush on Altin,” He was met with a stern look from the professor, to which he nodded and continued in a whisper. “I think I know how to help you.”  
  
He gripped his pencil tightly and scowled. JJ and Yuri were not close. They were not friends. They were barely acquaintances. Yuri didn’t even really remember how they met - one of those “friend of a friend” situations. Suddenly it was three years later, JJ was his suitemate and apparently found it appropriate to meddle in Yuri’s love life. Er, lack thereof.  
  
Hence, he didn’t feel bad about grabbing JJ’s shirt, looking him dead in the eyes and whispering, “Shut the fuck up.” through gritted teeth.  
  
JJ smiled but complied. He didn’t speak to Yuri for the rest of the period. Curiosity quietly burned in the back of Yuri’s mind.  
  
\--  
Yuri went to bed frustrated and woke up frustrated.  
  
He’d spent the previous day after class considering JJ’s proposal. “Help”? What could he do to possibly help him? Honestly, it had bothered Yuri all day. It didn’t help that it was one of those nights where Otabek was draped across his dreamland wearing...uh, very little.  
  
Regardless, it was a Friday morning and Yuri planned to sleep in some more. He rolled over in his bunk only to see his roommate giggling and cuddling his long-time boyfriend. Yuri’s expression soured, but turned away. He would just ignore them.  
  
“Yuuri, I missed you!”  
  
“Eh? Viktor, I’ve been here all night.”  
  
“I know, but I missed you while I slept!”  
  
“Aww…”  
  
Yuri felt irritation build as they oozed kisses and compliments all over one another. It wasn’t until Yuuri squealed like a pig after Viktor began tickling him that Yuri sat up and chucked a pillow at his roommate’s head. “Can you guys quit it with that shit?! Some of us are trying to sleep.”  
  
Viktor turned his head. “Oh, Yurio’s awake.”  
  
“Unfortunately. It’s too early in the morning for anyone to be this nauseating.” The couple continued to giggle as Yuri plopped back down and closed his eyes.  
  
“It’s okay, Yuuri.” Viktor spoke in a whisper, but it was very clearly meant to be loud enough for Yuri to hear. “Yurio’s just a little cranky, lately. He probably just has pent-up aggression toward people in love since he can’t have--”  
  
Yuri had leaped up, strode into the shared bathroom and slammed the door before he could bear to listen to the end of that sentence. As Viktor and Yuuri’s laughter erupted from his bedroom, Yuri turned around to see JJ watching him blankly from the sink, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.  
  
It was likely a mixture of one part desperation and ninety-nine parts Otabek-Altin-sex-dream that lead Yuri to his next misguided decision. “Okay, Leroy.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “You have thirty seconds to explain how you plan to ‘help’ with my, err--situation.”  
  
Immediately, JJ lit up and started speaking incoherently, toothpaste dribbling down his face. Yuri rolled his eyes and tossed a nearby hand towel at his suitemate. “Christ, dude--you can spit first!” He watched JJ rinse out his mouth and towel off, already regretting his decision to ask for advice. He really must have been desperate.  
  
“It’s simple,” JJ grinned, teeth white and minty fresh. “We’re gonna make him jealous.”  
  
Yuri waited for an explanation, in-depth details, a master plan. All he got was a vacant smile. He narrowed his eyes. “I can’t believe you actually kept me up at night with this crap. With whom am I going to make him jealous, genius? I’m not exactly drowning in suitors, here.”.  
  
JJ checked his reflection in the mirror, fixing the part in his hair before turning back to Yuri. “Well, that’s where I come in, of course.”  
  
There was an awkward silence as Yuri slowly filled with dread, fearing what JJ was suggesting. “No,” He said quietly. “No. This isn’t going to be one of those situations where we pretend to be dating, is it?”  
  
JJ beamed. “This is EXACTLY one of those situations!”  
  
“Goodbye, JJ.”  
  
“No, Yuri, wait--just give me seven days, okay?” Yuri scowled, but didn’t object. JJ leaned against the wall and smirked, brimming with confidence. “Seven days and I’ll get you a man.”


End file.
